Music video by Tetonica Castro – tetonica.com
It’s so cold at 4am but for some reason I just want to have a smoke in the terrace. Put on my coat and slippers and slightly slide out the door. It’s not only freaking cold, but is raining. Fuck. Still I put myself right in the frame of the terrace door and lit a cigarette. Some people are walking under the rain. I wonder where they come from but I guess they are heading home. Walk of shame. Or not. The nicotine is supposed to quench anxiety but I couldn’t care less about that. I’m looking for a guilty pleasure. The pleasure is not only the act of smoking, but smoking in the middle of the night under the most extreme cold in the terrace looking at people passing by while I’m thinking a thousand things and sometimes nothing at all. Recently though, I stopped smoking. Oh man, I do miss those 4am moments in the terrace.
* When you question something it changes, cracks, breaks and transforms its nature. So what is it to be done? Nothing. Don’t question it so thoroughly, avoid over analyzing. If some things can’t be understood without question them, chances are the answers to such questions won’t be truthful. And the essence of something pure would be corrupted, stripped of its beauty.
* After a visit to an art gallery in Tribeca, I took a slow steady walk back to Williamsburg. The art gallery was featuring latin american artists, one of them a friend of mine from Argentina. During this particular day the L train was not working, and going back home meant taking the J or M trains. However walking back to Brooklyn meant walking across the Williamsburg bridge for the first time. Halfway across the bridge, the sun was going down and the view of Manhattan was quite charming.
* “Friends must be the ends and not the means” (Rainer Maria Rilke)
* Flying overseas again, this time around to attend my younger sister’s college graduation. Spent some time with mother, father, niece, sisters, friends. Then after everybody went back home I stayed some extra days just to wander on my own around the city during the day, walked around a lot at a very slow pace, making some stops to treat myself with good coffee and some traditional food. In the evenings I’ve spent time with my sister and some good friends. And even though it’s been great, this place is no longer my home, I’m just visiting.
* “Home Is Whenever I’m With You” (Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros)
* When it ripples through everything friends prove to be forever unconditional. Colors fade into gray and dark black. Or violet. Once I was told that my soul was painted violet. Her soul has different colors, constantly shifting like the rain inside my head…
* “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances. Both are transformed” (Carl Gustav Jung)
When I was 15 years old a security guard at a drive-in cinema shot at me twice. He didn’t hit me, or maybe it was only warning shots, it doesn’t matter now. Early that evening I went “walking” to this drive-in cinema (which by the way no longer exists, a chain supermarket takes its place now) as I didn’t have a car, however there was siting space for those without a car. When I got home from the movies I realized that my wallet was gone, so I figured that my wallet slide out of my pants and I left it at the cinema. My dad was home and offered me to drive me back so I can get my wallet. We knocked and called out but nobody answered. The cinema looked deserted, so I decided to go inside by climbing a fence. A few steps after I walked in I saw this mother-fucker emerging from the darkness holding a gun and then shooting at me. I hit the floor flat and he approached me slowly. Asked me to get up and walk to the little office of the cinema. I told him that I came back for my wallet. And he told me that my wallet was found by the janitors but regardless he was going to call the cops and blame me for some shit he got stolen before. Then some car-honks started to blast out. He drop the phone and wondered WTF. I told him I was not alone, that I came with my dad and he was probably the one making all that noise. He decided not to call the cops anymore, and walked me to the gate. Then my dad talked to the guy, very polite, he gave me my wallet back, and apologized for the inconvenience…..
A conversation about artificial insemination and the rush to become pregnant. Clock ticking constantly for our future deaths or for new borns to show up in this world. So many people, thousands, millions, every single day in the subway, on the street, whenever I go out at night, everywhere… makes my mind numb. Bordering the last portion of a decade makes me wonder again. Years ago I didn’t wanted to get married and have blood sucking kids, to live in a big house in the middle of nowhere. So I never did most of those things. However now I don’t even know what should be my goals. Graduate school is over. Work is challenging but dull. Music is probably the one thing that I don’t ever get tired of doing. Wish I had more time for myself, for my friends, for my family, for the one I love. Can’t wait to get far away on a trip and unplug my brain from the constant awareness of the world.
While we were being selected as a jurors for a criminal case, the defendant was sitting right in front of us, same as his lawyer, the justice attorney and a bunch of other characters I only saw before in movies. The whole process of being inside a court room made me question quite a few things. The defendant was just regular guy with his life on the line. He may be innocent or guilty, but it will be up to the jurors to make a decision based on the evidence presented during the trial. Being so close to this world where a difference can be made in such a direct way, made me question hard the stuff that I actually do for a living.
After closing the bar for the night we headed to a place to celebrate a birthday or something, not sure anymore. The studio apartment was surrounded by the most stimulating objects, hard cover art books, random images playing on a tv screen, little random things. We formed a circle of people and everybody took their little purple dot. After hesitating for a bit I was finally convinced by my good friend and I took my share of it. Maybe an hour later I discovered in the bathroom mirror that my eyes were no longer green and alive but have transformed instead into a dark lifeless void. Music more than ever was a presence I couldn’t resist and I surrendered to it. At dawn of sunday morning we went out for a walk. One of the city’s main avenues was closed to cars, instead it was filled with a sea of people jogging or riding bicycles. Our presence, even if out of place, was not rejected by the healthy looking crowd. We were somewhat amused by the sunlight colors and the change of scenario. Slowly, we started to part ways. Some headed to the airport to pickup somebody’s sister (later I heard that it was a terrible idea and a real endurance test for mind and body). Most of us just headed home. Once there I couldn’t sleep. It was too bright and I was too aware of every microscopic component of my room.
Music video by Tetonica Castro – tetonica.com